New App Claims to Reveal Past Lives, Tells 83% of Users They Were Cleopatra
A controversial new app called “PastLife™” has taken the App Store by storm, promising to reveal your previous incarnations using a mix of facial recognition, neural networks, and what the developers refer to as “data-fused karmic resonance algorithms.”
Since launching last week, it has already been downloaded over 4 million times and caused at least one public argument in a Pret a Manger over who was the real Napoleon.
“We use advanced AI to scan your selfie, analyse your personality traits, and cross-reference them with historical records, vibrations in the Akashic field, and a totally real thing we made up called soul DNA,” said co-founder Kyle Lambrini, who previously worked on a failed cryptocurrency for cats.
HOW IT WORKS
Users simply upload a selfie and answer a short personality quiz (e.g., “Do you feel an unexplainable connection to ancient pottery?”), and within seconds, the app reveals their most prominent past life.
Current top results include:
- Cleopatra (83% of users)
- A nameless 14th-century blacksmith with back pain
- Marie Antoinette, but only the cake part
- A pigeon
- “Some guy in Rome who tripped and caused a minor war”
Users can share their results on social media with automatically generated captions like:
“Turns out I was Queen Nefertiti. Explains the cheekbones.”
“I was an 1800s potato farmer. Nothing’s changed tbh.”
“PastLife says I was executed for tax fraud in 1783. Relatable.”
CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS
Influencers have flocked to the app. TikTok creator @CrystalSwanLightMoon posted a video saying:
“I always knew I was someone important. PastLife confirmed I was Cleopatra, Florence Nightingale AND a part-time Druid. I’ve started charging £39.99 for soul readings.”
EXPERTS WARN
Historians and scientists have expressed concerns. Dr. Emily Grayson, a professor of Psychology, said:
“This is utter nonsense. You can’t determine someone’s past life through a filter and a seven-question quiz. Also, Cleopatra didn’t own a ring light.”
Despite this, the app currently holds a 4.9-star rating on the App Store. One reviewer wrote:
“It said I was Julius Caesar and I’ve never felt more empowered. I used that energy to finally change my broadband provider.”
FUTURE FEATURES
PastLife’s developers say future updates will include:
- A “Past Death Replay” that animates how you died in each previous life
- A “Soulmate Locator”, matching users who once dated in medieval France
- And a “Reincarnation Timeline”, so you can see what you were between Cleopatra and now (most likely a dung beetle or someone who invented soup)
For just £4.99/month, users can subscribe to PastLife Pro, which offers “higher-vibration results” and removes ads for guided reincarnation yoga mats.
