Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Fails Ofsted Inspection “Spectacularly”

One of Britain’s most famous educational institutions, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has received a damning Ofsted report, earning an “Inadequate” rating across all categories — including Safety, Leadership, Curriculum, and Not Housing Creatures That Can Kill Children.

The inspection, which lasted three days and reportedly required one inspector to be airlifted out by dragon, uncovered what officials are calling a “catastrophic level of safeguarding failures.”

“In over 30 years of education oversight, I have never seen anything like this,” said chief inspector Sharon Codswallop.
“There were live trolls, unsupervised duelling, a literal murder snake in the plumbing, and not a single fire extinguisher anywhere on the premises. We barely made it out with our clipboards.”

KEY FAILINGS

The Ofsted report outlined the following serious issues:

• Quidditch is described as “a glorified sky-based demolition derby with no adult supervision, protective gear, or functioning risk assessment.”
• The school lacks a Designated Safeguarding Lead, opting instead for “whatever ghost happens to float by.”
• A basilisk was found in the pipework, capable of killing children on sight.
• There is no formal fire safety plan, only “someone shouting ‘Aguamenti!’ and hoping for the best.”
• Magical creatures, including three-headed dogs, centaurs, and a tree with violent tendencies, roam freely.
• The school nurse attempted to cure a broken spine with “a biscuit and a damp flannel.”
• One student was found transfigured into a ferret for “educational purposes.”
• The dungeon is used for detentions, despite being 87% haunted and 13% full of sentient ink.

The report also notes that there is “no evidence of basic record-keeping, lesson planning, or staff DBS checks,” and that “at least two teachers were suspected of being werewolves or ghosts.”

DUMBLEDORE RESPONDS

Speaking to reporters outside the castle (while a Hippogriff ate a clipboard behind him), Headmaster Albus Dumbledore attempted to defend the school’s record:

“We provide a well-rounded education,” he said.
“Yes, there are occasional magical beasts, and yes, a few dozen near-death experiences — but one must admit, it builds character.”

Asked whether the school would implement basic safeguarding measures, Dumbledore replied:

“No.”

STUDENT REACTION

Fourth-year student Dean Thomas said:

“It’s a bit mad, yeah. Last week someone lost a toe in Potions and a dementor attacked a prefect, but we did learn how to make a teacup scream, so swings and roundabouts.”

GOVERNMENT CONCERNS

The Department for Magical Education (a dusty cupboard in the Ministry of Magic) says it is “deeply concerned” and will be sending an advisory board, composed of 11 squinting Muggles, a goose, and a burnt-out ex-wizard named Gary.

“We need to see measurable improvements,” said a ministry spokesman.
“Preferably ones that don’t explode.”

LOOKING AHEAD

Hogwarts has been placed in Special Measures. If improvements are not made within six months, it may be converted into an Academy, a Theme Park, or possibly condemned entirely and replaced with a nice Waitrose.