Starmer Unveils Digital ID Cards: Public to Scan In at Shops, Pubs and Supermarkets
Keir Starmer has announced that, under a future Labour government, every UK citizen will be issued with a digital ID card — a move he insists will “modernise Britain and bring all your loyalty points under one roof.”
The cards will double up as Tesco Clubcards, Nectar points cards, and Boots Advantage cards, with Starmer claiming:
“No more wallets stuffed with plastic. One scan will prove you’re British, buy your Jaffa Cakes, and give you 50 extra points on washing powder.”
However, pilot schemes in Manchester have already hit problems. Shoppers report being refused entry to Asda after their ID flagged minor infractions.
One man was locked out after failing to rinse his baked bean tins properly. Another pensioner was denied access to the alcohol aisle when the scanner detected she once voted Liberal Democrat.
Local resident Karen Hughes told reporters:
“I only wanted a packet of crisps but the machine beeped and said my social credit score was too low. Apparently I put the wrong plastic in the blue bin. I had to stand outside while everyone else tucked into sausage rolls.”
Other citizens have found the scheme creeping into daily life in unexpected ways.
Martin Lewis (not the Money Saving Expert, but a forklift driver from Salford) says he was left waiting 45 minutes for an Uber because his ID rating only allowed him access to the “slow tier” of cars.
“The app said: ‘Due to your low digital ID score, you are only eligible for a Toyota Prius travelling at a maximum of 23mph.’ Ironically, the reason my score was low is because I complained on social media about Manchester’s bad traffic. You couldn’t make it up.”
Meanwhile, a couple in Stockport were barred from buying milk after their card wrongly logged them as “lactose intolerant,” and a man in Bolton reported being charged £1.50 just to open his own fridge.
Other reported issues include:
Toilet Trouble: Pubs trialling the system fitted scanners to toilet doors. One customer was denied entry after failing to settle a library fine. “I had to run to Wetherspoons across the road instead,” he admitted.
Netflix Nightmares: A family in Rochdale tried to stream a film but their card flashed red. The message read: ‘Account suspended: you failed to recycle your Domino’s pizza boxes.’
Gym Shame: A woman in Oldham said her treadmill slowed to walking pace after her card revealed she hadn’t done her weekly recycling. “The machine just said: ‘Lazy detected.’ It was humiliating.”
Takeaway Ban: A kebab shop owner in Bury said his scanner refused to process orders for anyone with more than two Just Eat receipts in a week. “We lost half our Saturday night trade,” he complained.
Bus Denials: An elderly passenger in Salford was refused entry to the number 37 bus after the scanner detected she once jaywalked in 1989.
Labour insists the system will be “safe, secure and rewarding,” highlighting the fact that citizens can now earn Nectar points every time they pay their council tax.
Conservative critics have called it “Orwell meets Aldi.” The Green Party, meanwhile, welcomed the scheme but asked if the card could also prevent people from buying steak.
Starmer, however, brushed off concerns:
“The Tories gave you Brexit queues. I’m giving you a card that gets you 3p off Andrex. That’s progress.”
