Man in Crotone Attempts to Create World’s Largest Pizza ‘Visible from Space’
Residents of the southern Italian city of Crotone were left speechless this week after a local man began construction of what he claimed would be the largest pizza ever made — big enough to be seen from space. The ambitious chef, Antonio Fabbri, 43, started work early Monday morning on the city’s football pitch, laying…
Starmer Unveils Digital ID Cards: Public to Scan In at Shops, Pubs and Supermarkets
Keir Starmer has announced that, under a future Labour government, every UK citizen will be issued with a digital ID card — a move he insists will “modernise Britain and bring all your loyalty points under one roof.” The cards will double up as Tesco Clubcards, Nectar points cards, and Boots Advantage cards, with Starmer…
Long Eaton Man Forced to Mow Lawn Three Times a Week After Fertiliser Mishap
A man from Long Eaton, Derbyshire, says he’s become a “prisoner in his own garden” after accidentally spilling lawn fertiliser, which has caused his grass to grow at what he describes as “demonic speed.” David Pritchard, 47, said he dropped half a bag of high-strength fertiliser while topping up his spreader, and within days, he…
Keir Starmer Faces Pressure to Recognise Hogwarts, Narnia, Pandora and Gotham City After Palestine Decision
After formally recognising the state of Palestine, Labour leader Keir Starmer is now facing mounting calls from campaigners, fantasy fans, and at least one rogue backbencher to extend the same courtesy to several fictional territories. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Narnia, Pandora (from Avatar), and Gotham City are all reportedly “next in line for…
Ball Kicked So Hard During Pisa vs. AC Milan Match That It Hits Leaning Tower — Corrects Tilt Slightly
In what commentators are calling “possibly the most useful free kick in football history,” last night’s Serie A clash between Pisa SC and AC Milan took a bizarre turn when a wayward clearance from Milan defender Davide Calabria sent the ball sailing out of the stadium and directly into the side of the Leaning Tower…
Okinawa Man Shocked as Squid Scheduled for Lunch Comes Back to Life, Escapes Through Kitchen Window
An ordinary Tuesday took an extraordinary turn for 62-year-old fisherman Takeshi Muramoto when the squid he was preparing for lunch suddenly twitched, launched itself off the counter, and leapt out of his kitchen window in Okinawa — squelching defiantly back toward the East China Sea. “I was just heating oil and getting the soy sauce…
Southeast Asia Paralyzed by Historic Snowstorm, as Bangkok and Singapore Record 8 Inches of Snow
In what meteorologists are calling “the most geographically confused weather event in recorded history,” a powerful and unprecedented snowstorm has blanketed much of Southeast Asia, grinding daily life to a halt and leaving locals stunned, shivering, and making snow angels in places where it was once dangerous to wear socks. Bangkok, Ho Chi Minh City,…
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Fails Ofsted Inspection “Spectacularly”
One of Britain’s most famous educational institutions, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has received a damning Ofsted report, earning an “Inadequate” rating across all categories — including Safety, Leadership, Curriculum, and Not Housing Creatures That Can Kill Children. The inspection, which lasted three days and reportedly required one inspector to be airlifted out by…
Trump and Putin Meet in Alaska to Announce Plans for Joint US-Russian Toilet Factory
In a surprise turn of events that has left economists, plumbers, and late-night talk show hosts equally confused, former U.S. President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin met in Anchorage, Alaska on Friday to unveil their latest joint venture: a massive international toilet factory. The project, dubbed “FlushForce One”, aims to produce “the most…
New App Claims to Reveal Past Lives, Tells 83% of Users They Were Cleopatra
A controversial new app called “PastLife™” has taken the App Store by storm, promising to reveal your previous incarnations using a mix of facial recognition, neural networks, and what the developers refer to as “data-fused karmic resonance algorithms.” Since launching last week, it has already been downloaded over 4 million times and caused at least…